Asking for what I want

Asking for what I want

I find it relatively easy to set boundaries and voice what I do not want. Asking for what I do want does not come as naturally to me.

With time I have come to better understand what is behind this and how I have at times sabotaged my own efforts. This has in turn enabled me to start breaking down my underlying assumptions and beliefs and to start to communicate more clearly.

I have also developed more skills over time and am now better equipped to make clear requests.

Becoming aware of what’s blocked my progress

There have been various layers which I have uncovered over time which point to what has blocked my progress.

When I was younger I realise that, for the most part, it was simply a case of not asking sufficiently clearly. I was often very clear about what I wanted but did not ask with the same level of clarity. There is a skill to the speech act of making requests.

I also developed a habit of putting my desires aside – either from a place of feeling I should be above the desire, or convincing myself that it was not that important, just a preference, and that I could happily live without whatever it was. Both of these has led to a great deal of unhappiness at various times in my life.

And then there have been instances where I realised I felt I didn’t deserve what I desired. I could not receive from this place, never mind ask.

Building competence

As with any skill, competence in asking for what you want is built step by step. It was only once I learned how to make a clear request that I started becoming aware of some of the other blocks. It has been and continues to be a dance… sometimes I feel like I am moving forward and other times I feel I take a few steps back.

Awareness is the first step, practice the second.

I continue to allow myself the space to grow.

I liken learning a new skill (especially one that does not come naturally or that requires some undoing of old habits) to learning to walk. A baby starts off quite immobile and then gradually learns to roll around, creep, crawl and eventually learns to stand and walk… it’s body grows new abilities and stronger muscles…

I am giving myself the same space to grow and learn.


Allowing myself the freedom to fall and then getting up to do it all over again, just like a baby, allows me to be lighter in my efforts and makes the successes all the more joyful.

What are your thoughts?